That is the ultimate question I am sure many of you want to ask the person you lost and I heard many people ask themselves. I know between my group of friends, he had some form of contact with people who cared. I talked to him maybe once a week, trying to give him some affirmation that his life was going to be okay and that he needed to get himself better to be the better man and best man possible. His circumstances were pretty severe at the time, and I would hear from a friend who knew of sudden developments that had occurred that would wreck any man. The day I heard that he had lost a significant portion of his life, I wanted to ask him "How ya doin man? Hope you're feeling better." But I knew how he was doing. I knew it was not good. So I asked myself last week "Why didn't I show him I cared? Why didn't I reassure him everything was going to once again be okay? I knew he would not believe me, or worse yet he would not listen.
I know some people were telling him to "Get over it", and I agree to that to a point. Everyone handles a major loss differently. The negatives in his life, they were always there. They must have been in a deep dark place in his heart. We discussed it. I was telling him that years ago, my first psychologist told me that every time you experience something associated with negativity or depressing or tragic, the brain releases a little more serotonin than usual. That's an enzyme within the brain that is secreted to help regulate mood. His issues stemming from deep inside were already bringing him down. Then when everything in his family life fell apart there must have been an enormous release within. All that did was cause more negativity and depressing thoughts to deal with. Yet he was starting to tell me why. His own "why" of the genesis of his feelings. I will tell you, the circumstances he was facing were because of reasons he could never express. I can empathize that the sudden realization of the things that came from deep within are like a crushing blow. I got to a point before that being stuck in traffic would have me dangerously worked up. The stuff I admitted to my marriage counselor at that point were enough to get me immediate help. The thoughts and actions of my friend resulted in people getting him the immediate help he required. You can always lead the horse to water but you cannot always make him drink.
Another why I ask myself is "why did I have to choose a side?" I knew my friend for the majority of my life, and his wife a recent addition that made him better. She is a great and strong woman from what I have seen. I know a couple of our friends were playing both sides of the sword. I never knew of the issues that came up between him and his wife until one night in October I heard my friend, his voice shaking with emotions, tell me his pain. I was so confused. I instantly reattached to him. I did not choose a side as in to defend my friend but rather to help him deal. Perhaps the saying is absolutely true, like attracts like. He knew every struggle I had and he would be a voice of reason with his get over it because you are better than that mentality. I knew he needed to hear the same from me.
So that leads me to another why- why didn't he listen to me?!?!
That's the toughest one right there for me. I will never know now if he ever understood a single word I said. If he ever knew talking out these thoughts would help him organize them, and help him heal internally. I will never know if it mattered to him that I had been in his shoes in the past, and he helped give me the strength. Why now did you have to transfer the pain you kept to yourself to the hundreds of people who love you? I know that when you hurt mentally you can either get proper help, make a physical pain to distract you, or make sure the mental pain would be erased. The only even the slightest bit of comfort I take in his death is knowing that he isn't in pain anymore.
Then the questions come fast and furious...
Why did you have to give me your pain?
Why did you have to pop up in my head now during certain songs I once truly enjoyed?
Why could i not repay the ultimate favor to you?
These questions have no answer. They will never be answered. I cannot even speculate what the answer would have been. I shouldn't. I realized that at his viewing, when I was quietly whispering "Why, man? Why?" I could write a book of questions for you, but it would only be half full now.
This blog, this gutting of my feelings like this, I am sure is not a lot of fun to read. It is not fun to write that's for sure. I was able to conquer yesterday, though. Today I hope will be at least eaqually as easy to conquer. To all my friends who read this, and to any other stranger out there on the internet, time will heal us. I have heale dfrom many wounds, internally and externally after enough time. Just remember that when it feels like you won't heal, there is somebody like me who wants to see you heal.
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