Yesterday I had the privilege of working with one of my favorite contractors. I do environmental work checking out conditions under the ground. We have a set of drillers we prefer, and I worked with one yesterday I met a few years ago. We have worked together several times over the years to the point of becoming friends. Some contractors, you can talk about your life, others you know more intimately you can talk about LIFE. Unfortunately for the driller, his wife committed suicide late last year. She left him and their 3 and 2 year old children behind. From hearsay, I heard that she had battled demons and must have finally had enough. I called him yesterday to give him directions to the site. After we got the necessities out of the way, I gave my condolences about his wife. His response, in his typical southern drawl, was "Yeah man that sucked." I told him I recently lost one of my greatest friends in the same manner. He essentially offered back the same exact condolences, along with "and I really don't know what else to say." Neither did I. I was looking forward to the day I would work with the driller again so that I could share the experience. I thought though that perhaps I would feel guilty as I only lost a friend while he lost his wife and mother of his children.
Then when I was at home trying to find some laughs on Facebook, a man I knew from mostly the high school years sent me a message, expressing his condolences for the loss of my friend. I knew it was a matter of time before I had a conversation with him. A few years back, his father committed suicide, most likely due to the depression he suffered after losing one of his younger sons to suicide. This man had two younger brothers, who were twins. He told me the brother that passed had his demons and was part of a long term problem and his father's passing was more like a reaction. I always heard of this news, but to actually hear (or in this case read) it from him, especially at this time, made my heart ache.
However, one thing I learned from talking with these two people - no matter the relationship of the person you lost, those who have lost recognize that it is significant, regardless of the relationship. I always wondered what the man from high school I haven't spoken to in forever would feel like my loss was of any significance compared to his. Or that my driller friend would shrug off my loss. When I was chatting with them, never once in my 15 minute conversation on Facebook or my 8 hour day with the driller did we ever once tell each other how to feel, rather talked about how we feel. The driller was talking about the ways he was moving on, dwelling very little on the loss of his wife, and at one point I could see, and he later admitted, he was getting sad. I don't know the topic, but he said, "that was mommy, ya know?" The strange part to me was then asking me how I enjoyed being the "dad" to a son my significant other had before I met her. The driller is trying to date, and he was actively seeking my advice on how the step-parent relationship blossomed, as that is a concern he must now have. I explained my thoughts on it, and our conversations overall that day were not necessarily negative or positive - just flatline on facts and fact-of-the-matter explanation of feelings. While this wasn't necessarily a "fun" day, it was the most relaxed day of work in a long time (even before the suicide) that I enjoyed. The driller is a few months past his loss, and I hope to be at his point in the near future. Even as he returned to work, was finding a way to raise his kids, and resume his love life, he will always be and showed that he is impacted severely by his loss. The conversation I had on Facebook showed me that even after years, the hurt can be as real and significant as it was in the beginning. But it will be okay to have those emotions/feelings.
It is odd to think this way, but when this happened, despite many of my friends experiencing the same loss and even compared to my two friends who found the body, I felt alone. I still do sometimes. People saw me very upset at the viewing. Some of them showed anger, some showed courage, and others showed sadness. All I know, seeing my friend, my brother, in a casket, eyes shut, seeing a man who had encouraged me keep my head up and my life was better than I knew it, couldn't tell himself the same. I couldn't prove it to him. None of us could. When everybody reached out, I don't know if it was because they looked out to me for guidance, or if they reached out to make sure I was okay. I admit, I try to be as stoic as possible, but the ones who really know me know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. In fact I could probably package up my emotions and present them to you upon meeting for the first time. Who knows.
When I decided to start this forum I had no idea if I would have one post or post every day. I still don't. All I know is I wrote down everything I felt Saturday night after the funeral. While most of my friends were hanging out at the bar down the street, I had opted to follow through with my pre-made plans of going away for the rest of the weekend with my girlfriend and son. I held them and enjoyed every second I could have with them. But, when they went to sleep, I could not. I sat out in her aunt's kitchen trying to find stories from other suicide survivors. That's the term used for people like us. I don't think it was the content of what I was reading, but as I read more and more I cried more and more. It was a different kind of sadness. One I couldn't wake up my girlfriend to seek relief for. She had been there already for me at the funeral and let cry in her arms, without judgement. A friend later did the same as I walked out of the room one last time. It was some form of sadness that I needed to find a way to direct or else I would never get to sleep, and perhaps become to overrun with it all.
I had my first post completed, reading several times to myself. As I was driving home on Sunday night, listening to the song "No Good, Mr. Holden" by the band Graveyard, the chorus kicked in for the second time of the song. There is a long build up, and I can't tell for sure, but the singer is either experience his own depression issues or those of somebody else, or perhaps a similar loss. The buildup goes through somebody being tortured in a mental and emotional way, more instruments kick in, the song gets a little heavier, it is building to a monumental moment as the singer than blasts "Change is all I want but I can't do it alllll." I lost it. It is at the 3:40 mark of the song. I love this song so much, more so since my friend's passing. It makes me sad, it makes me happy to be alive, it makes me mad, and most importantly it makes me feel like I am alive. I don't know why, just can't explain it. It is the most emotionally impactful song to me since I first heard "Freebird." I realized at that moment that I had to share my thoughts.
I write another blog, mostly about my life, trying to make light of certain things. I hadn't written since I heard of my friend's passing. I never spoke a word of it on Facebook or Twitter. I had a long day of work on this past Monday that gave me all the relief in the world, so I decided to write about it. I titled it "Moving On..." I had a brief blurb about this site with a clickable link, sure to not mention about my friend's suicide, his name, or details. I always post my blog posts on Facebook or Twitter after I am done. When I clicked on the site the next day to put up another post, I saw that 100 people had viewed it. I have never in my life generated anything that ever moved like that. It had more hits in that one day than the original post I put the link to had garnered.
The point of this, I know you are out there. I know you miss a him or her that was important in your life. I know that person you miss was somebody's father/son/brother/husband/boyfriend/friend or somebody's mother/daughter/sister/wife/girlfriend/friend. I didn't actively seek out the people I talked to yesterday, but I am glad I had the chance to. To hear other perspectives from people who don't have mixed feelings at the moment about my friend was a relief. It was a great perspective. I hope that if I never ever in my life met you and you happened across this Site, I can do the same for you.
Thank you.
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