I was talking to a friend via email yesterday afternoon about this blog and how I have handled the tragedy of losing my friend. There is one aspect I haven't seen coming, and it may even seem minor to the overall picture of my friend's death, but it may become a big issue for me as a survivor - I am not speaking to anyone. I have found it very hard to reach out to my friends. I guess you can say I have put myself out to them through this forum, but I mean the daily conversations I had in the past are not there right now. I can't help but feel every text or phone call I want to make will be about him. I am not sure if anybody wants to discuss it or not. I am worried about dominating the conversation with talk, debate, thoughts, and emotions about the suicide. I am not sure if I would come across negatively or pathetic to them, either.
But I guess that is why I have the friends I have. Another problem I have is that one of my main friends is also the one who found him. After sorting through all the aforementioned thoughts above I then think that my feelings about it are miniscule compared to what must be running through his mind. I know I should not think like that, but I cannot help it. I feel okay with having the feelings thoughts and emotions I have about my friend to myself, but I don't know why I have some worry about reaching out to anybody else. Several people, even those from my periphery have reached out to me making sure I'm okay or that I am feeling well.
It is so tough to want to meet up with my friends when I can still feel the coldness of his hand in mine. Every cold blast of winter wind makes that a difficult reminder of when I was at my weakest during his viewing. In his letter to me and our friends, he ended it with "Party on brothers." I've written that before, and it makes me mad. I'm supposed to party with your "brothers" because you are gone? I am sure that is what you want us to do rather than mull over you. I understand you felt the way you felt about yourself as you prepared to leave us. I cannot speak for everybody, but I know you were not a burden. Your pain and situation was far from a burden. And now you have put that burden on other people, that I am supposed to party with. Unfortunately, this is what I want to discuss with my friends. Goddammit, I can't even talk to the people I normally would.
This is extremely aggravating. I am fortunate enough to have wedding/bachelor party for one of my friends coming up next month, so hopefully there will be enough going on to allow me to "party on." Until then I don't know what to do. I know some of my friends have problems expressing or accepting their emotions. I wish I could tell them everything they feel will be okay. Those people I worry about, and I would have to tell them if I felt they were, and who wants to hear that while trying to "party on?" I certainly wouldn't if I were them.
I have, fortunately found greater comfort in my home, where my girlfriend accepted me at my saddest and allowed me to cry into her shoulder, and understands a little more now when I discuss the mental illness my friend had as well as relating with my own struggles. My son, I've learned once again how to cherish him and make sure I provide the best father figure I possibly can to him. They both help my days and weeks move on better and better, but that's about the end of all the socializing I can take. I expressed these thoughts to her before, and she would tell me there is no need for me to have to share these feelings with other people; that I did not have to bring it up, but if I could not ignore it then maybe I needed more time. It is so shocking to me how I went from the uttermost confidence to this self-questioning person, doubting my own intentions and giving myself unnecessary guilts.
One thing I do know for a fact is that time indeed heals all wounds. Just because I heal, doesn't mean I was not hurt, doesn't mean I don't have some form of scar to bear. These are okay. I am healing, in my own way. I just am trying to avoid reopening the wound, I guess. Maybe once in a while it is okay to open up the wound to show somebody how deeply I was hurt? Perhaps they wouldn't feel so bad if they had the same size wound, and they could show me, then we make sure each other heals, and takes care of that wound. Sometimes the wounds we get in life are where we can't see them, and we need another person to help us cover them, treat them, and heal them.
Thank you for reading.
your friends are your friends for a reason...as I remember you shared with me the great comfort you felt when you were going through difficult times yourself when you realized that many, if not all, were still there ready to be a part of your life when you let them in, even with the distance and time that seemed to have grown so far. Your distance before was your choice, as your distance now is also your choice. I read somewhere "Friends are like stars, they are all shining even when you cannot see them" This is a difficult time and there is no right and wrong in the way any of us feel. We can feel anyway we want, but cannot expect others to share the same feelings. And after much reading about grief, it happens in different ways for everyone because we are unique and each had a unique relationship with the person that left us. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. With mutual respect and understanding that time and working through this together or on our own will ultimately lead to better peaceful days if we choose. At the end of the day, no one wanted this to happen and I hope eventually I can move on myself and stop feeling guilt or despair or complete sadness or anger and just hold on to the fact that it was his choice, not ours and he did not want anyone to stop him.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand your apprehension, as I continue to have difficulty with how I may be perceived to others when I express myself or when I walk in anywhere. I would like to suggest that reaching out even if just to test the waters and also asking how others are dealing with things might help you. It has really helped me. The fear of the unknown has been so difficult for me, but each time I get through it. It may help in ways you would not expect or didn't even know you needed or it may prove to be something to discuss at another time or not at all.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way right now. I am here always listening.