It has now been 3 days since his funeral, seven days since I gathered with my friends, eight days since I heard the news, and possibly 10 days since his passing. It is surreal. I can probably count these days for the rest of my life.
I will not mention my friend's name. That is for my social media contributions to society. If you read this and want to share something, don't feel you have to say a name. I by no means am looking to dwell on the collective thoughts pertaining to anyone person. That is for private. It is rather to express the feelings of mourning, loss, anger, guilt, and an unending sadness that comes from a loss by suicide. The important thing is I need a forum to talk. A place to turn my tears into something beneficial and not a pity party. Hopefully, somebody stumbled upon this site and can relate, in some way shape or form, and understand they are not alone. That the roller coaster of feelings is inevitable, and acceptable.
The person I lost was not my hands down best friend, but he was one of my greatest friends. He was not related to me in anyway other than being the same age and from the same school, but we treated each other like brothers. I obviously did not commit my life to him, but his family was (and is) my family. That is how my friends and I view each other. I saw a lot of people for the first time in years over the past week. But I wish it would have been because they chose to get together and were not forced. Any old grudges seemed to have been forgotten or forgiven. Any distance between us was reduced to the space needed at most for a handshake. I saw people who have had their own struggles, some in secret, some not, stand before me as normal people.
I am not sure the enormity of this situation has even fully hit me yet. I am still in shock. I have had my struggles, which go back to as early as I can remember. The man I saw on Saturday was one of the reasons I can fight the good fight for myself. He was (and still is) a part of my self strength, my mental and emotional muscles. I can't say that I HAVE suffered from depression, but rather I suffer from depression. However I have found my ways to cope and overcome. Life isn't a battle you win one time, it is one you must face all the time. At my lowest, deepest, darkest bottom, he was there for me. I tried to repay the favor. Tried to tell him how much I knew it would hurt. His circumstances were able to be overcome, and I thought he would.
Just when I start to remember him for what I he did for me, I start to get mad at what he has done. I guess that is why I am creating this forum. Every 13.7 minutes, a person commits suicide. It is the 10th ranked cause of death in the United States. According to a 2010 report from the American Association of Suicidology, 38,364 people die from it. According to this same report, at least 6 people are intimately affected by a suicide, or at least 230,184. I am sure it is more than that, as I saw maybe about 100 people pass in and out of the funeral home, weeping, or just standing outside the room, speechless, and couldn't go in. There was family left behind who could not get in to the country to see him one last time. There was his mother losing herself in my shoulder. There were people who refused to go.
All the emotions that can go through one's mind are strong enough to confuse anybody. They tear me up inside, but hopefully I can find some form of healing and resolution on my friend's passing.
Please, feel free to comment, share your own personal story, or any thoughts. Anything not directed towards this topic will be removed, so you can feel comfortable sharing here. I am not a psychologist, nor do I want to be, but I am hear to listen as you certainly have for me if you got to this point. As this time passes by, I will write more. I already feel like today can be a slightly better day than yesterday.
Thank you.
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