Well, it has been a very long time since my last post. It feels like years have passed by since I learned about your passing on February 4. I guess now I can start breaking down the time you've been gone in fractions of a year. One third of a year without you. I have changed jobs, which you would have been proud to see me accomplish. I have started my path back to being stronger than ever physically, something I know you always like to witness. I also was at your son's birthday party, took a grand vacation with my family, and have greater plans for the summer. I have also started reaching out more to another friend who I know has struggles.
This person was at your funeral, and said that he/she would be lying if they said that he/she never thought of what you did. I told him/her, "Do you see what this has done to me? To the people in this room? The anger, the sadness, but no real celebration of life. You have much more than that to offer your friends." In several conversations since with him/her, I have told that person that what you did was not an option. Does he/she want to be talked about the what-could-have-been scenarios, the arguments as to the why's of the situation, or perhaps the feeling of somebody having to live with knowing they could have done more (even though deep down we know we couldn't)? I always used you as an example for some things in life. You exhibited a confidence and poise not often matched by others. When things went awry, I know you lost it and couldn't overcome it alone. I will be God damned if I let somebody else go through it alone.
I always tried to use myself as an example, but I guess to the person struggling, it is hard to take my words seriously as you see me with smiles, confidence, and poise I learned from my late friend. Plus, I have what I wanted - a family, a home, and a belief in myself to get through my life, whether I had that or not. I know one day that he/she will make it through, and perhaps then he/she can relate to me better. I hate that I have to bring you up as an example of what the worst case is. You are the short term, with the longest term of impacts.
The worst part is, I wish there was some way I could reincarnate you. I would detail my feelings and thoughts from the past 4 months to you so you knew. But then how could I know for sure if I could not help my other friend? Maybe he/she would be the one I use as an example to you to keep you here. The sickening part of it is I wish you BOTH were here. Yet, if one didn't happen, the other might not be here. I love both of you, my late friend and other friend. The key in my life, my objective for as long as I am allowed to live on this planet, is to not make the term "late friend" plural. For the most part, my friends and I are young - even early 20's to late 30's. Things will happen that will hurt us in our life. Things will happen beyond our controls. Accidents or nature may take our lives. But I will never let you all leave by your own hand.
Leading by example has always been what I have hoped to achieve. I am not the skilled carpenter. I am not the master painter. I am not the closest person to rely on for a quick hand with anything. But I am experienced. I am, for a lack of better words, wise to struggle and near deathness. I have been to both ends of the road. You, as an example of what others could feel and also not ever being able to picture myself in the casket, are a road block back to the other end. Sure I may go in reverse once in a while. Luckily your road block happens very close to the end of the goodside of the road, with no side streets there to allow me to find another way. There is only one other way, and that is the correct path back.
So, that being said, father's day is rapidly approaching. I usually at least text out to all my friend's who are dads, if not conversate with a couple of them. I can't believe I have to not inclue your name there anymore. I still have your name in my phone. Don't know why. But it is there. I can't stand myself to delete you. It feels like a way for me to deny you the ability to have completely deleted yourself from my life. This brings nothing back, but a sadness come Sunday when I know you won't even get a card. Instead, you will probably be thought about and missed. And it will hurt. It will hurt your friends like me, and I can't imagine your own father, let alone your surviving family members.
I certainly didn't intend for this to be so negatively fueled. I guess in the time since I have written my last post, I have been able to focus my feelings and energy on this prevalent topic in my life a little better. At the root of it all is indeed sadness. However, from sadness breeds my contempt at the situation.
To those who still read this of my friends, his surviving family, or others who have struggled and stumbled across this blog, I implore you to stand tall. You may never get this part of your life back, but you still have your life. My friend showed me what it has been like to officially lose your life, and I guess he still found a way to indirectly lead by example.
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