Today you would have turned my age...33. The past two months have dragged on tremendously without you around. We are celebrating your birthday today for the first time without you. Perhaps "celebrate" is the wrong word. Tribute? In honor of? Memorial? I cannot find the appropriate term as I am still at a loss of positive feelings about the way you left.
A normally joyous occasion for anybody, today is not. I guess some of us all need to have this night to move on. The other day I asked his widow where he was buried so that I may pay his grave a visit today. She informed me he was cremated and sent back across the ocean with his parents in Europe. She profusely apologized for that, but hey, you can't argue with the kind gesture to support his parents. No problem there. It actually relieved me a little bit. For 2 straight weeks, all I could think about was this day, visiting his grave site. I didn't have to go. Good thing, too. I probably could've broken down. He probably would come back to my mind even more. Haunt my feelings.
This has been an extremely weird circle of events. His suicide came so early in the year, and as I have said before every day feels like I spent it moving through molasses. The fight to make it through the day got a little easier after maybe 6 weeks, but there were still moments. Then, all of a sudden, an extremely unpredictable situation arose at work, and suddenly I am worried about whether or not I will have a job. THAT thought has consumed me, but alas tonight, a night where we commemorate his life that ended in the worst way, I get a break. I will probably shed some tears, and hopefully a lot of laughs.
What the night holds I don't really know. It is not quite a party for me. It is not a funeral, either. I think it is more of a night of appreciation. Appreciation for each other, the love of friends, the bonds through memories, the recollection of all things together. Even if it is just on this one day, April 5, for the rest of my life, I hope it holds up.
It is quite appropriate, as today's weather started on the chilly side, and has now blossomed into an amazingly temperatured day. Far different than the snow on the ground, bitter cold day I last saw him. Perhaps the warmer weather can dry up those tears quicker. Perhaps the shaking in my knees as I approached your casket will be replaced by the rush of an increased heart beat when I offer a hug to the loved ones he left behind. I hope so. Maybe this is the first step in the multifaceted recovery phase for me.
I need to get it out right now before I start belting it out bringing everybody down tonight...My sadness and this empty spot in my heart came from losing my friend. The pain, hurt, anger, excruciating sorrow I feel is because I know for a fact he helped me get through my darkest hours. He did it. Some people say God will guide you through tough times. Regardless of what you believe, and maybe they were sent from God, but my friends pulled me through. They carried me to a better me, much like the ultra religious believes God carries them. They were there no matter my choices or decisions, but always offered whatever they could. None of them had ever suffered from the depression I had within. It caught them off-guard, actually. When I could admit that it stemmed from more than just recent events in my life at the time but rather was attributed to most of how I lived my life, all my life, my friends once again propped me up. The realization that it was a lifelong battle and process of healing, and knowing how to heal, was the greatest revelation they ever led me to. That is why it was so upsetting to me. I was fortunate to not be the one who found his body. I was fortunate not to be the one who had mixed emotions about him at the time of his passing. I was unfortunate to have viewed him as a brother for my whole life, who gave me so much, but could not see that he had great things still for him in this life, on this planet. The people he left behind plus the circumstances around it will always cloud my mind. Every positive I can think of about you reverts to some sort of "How dare you do this to person X, Y, Z???"
Maybe next year, in this forum, I can relay my excitement about meeting up with the gang again. If 2 people, 20 people, 200 people show up, I know why I am going. I don't think I was ever fully doing this before, but now is the time to start to heal.
I have nothing but love for everybody in his family, near and far. I have nothing but love and appreciation for all my friends who were a part of his life either in the good times or dark times or both throughout his life. We all were a part of why he was the great person I wish I could always remember him by. He is the one who tarnished the image. Hopefully today gives enough paint thinner to knock some of the tarnish off.
Happy birthday, my friend. Though you are not with me, I still hope that whatever energy you left behind or put into this world can feel the love and appreciation we all still have for you.
Thank you.
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