Still on my mind...

It has been over two years. I was hoping to get past thinking about my lost friend everyday. Not so. If anything it has been more powerful than it was in the months after he passed.

I have a step son who has become my own and since had the joy of watching my youngest son born. The joy I had Christmas eve rocking him to sleep for his nap, tears welling up in my eyes at the preciousness I was holding, my thoughts quickly went back to you - How and why the hell would you give this up??? I fell through a million emotional floors. Thankfully my baby boy in my arms was like the safety railing I could grab for support. If I lost everybody in my life I would still have to be here for my boy.

You have to know, I have fought this. I thought I was an adult. I was married early in life. I owned a house. Had a full time job. But I hated my job. I had rooms get destroyed beyond my control. My marriage fell apart for many reasons. All this though led to hating what I could see I  the mirror. I had nitemares. Ones that would scare the strongest man or woman you know. It took me absolutely smashing into the rock at rock bottom. I actually smashed through it and discovered quicksand. When I was waist deep, I plunged my head under to make it pass quickly. The buoyant nature of the human body made my head pop up though and I was stuck just chin deep.

That's when I realized nothing would change. If I stayed under it would have been in vein. I was able to use my own brain - the one thing I had working against me most. The mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. With negative thoughts or to silence thoughts. We have brains and a power of reasoning. The most important part of that power is to be able to reason on your own, with yourself. Some people just do it naturally. Others have to be told to. Yet others have to be told they can and that is a choice they have to consciously make.

I know people who have struggles with addiction. Addiction, like any other forms of mental illness, doesn't just get cured. Sure it can go dormant and repressed, but it's there. Even if you got a tattoo you hated removed, there is still some kind of scare. I never struggled with addiction.  I did have a period of surgeries at the height of my losing war with depression. Drugs were at the ready with what felt like unlimited refills. The drugs were needed, but man did they help more with the emotional pain.

I can't speak to addiction though. It does seem to me like a slow suicide. Some have revelations about themselves that help them realize who they are and what they are really worth. I wish I could have seen years into the future that I one day I would meet a woman who didn't care where I came from but rather about how I was with her in my life. I wish I could have seen a child who I had to become best friends with first,  and parent second. I wish I could have seen a baby that needed me as much as his older brother and mother.

I am fortunate now to count these blessings every day. If you think that's just mumbo jumbo it's not. I was only in my late 20s and thought I was way past my peak of life. I wish I knew it was still my rookie season.

Events of the world like the German airplane crash/murder/suicide spook me. What if I ever did the things I had thought? The potential injury to somebody else was never in my mind. The chain reaction of those who would have immediate impact never entered my mind. Also more importantly I was too scared to die. More scared of dying than being alive with what I was.

That's not a fear you can instill in somebody.  I wish I could put that in some people. I wish I could teach others how to do that for their friends and loved ones.

If you know me in any way, and you have something you are dealing with, I won't ever force you into a conversation...but if you share yours I will share mine. I will let you know you aren't and never were alone.

The Past Year

It has been one year since I last saw his face. The times I saw him before that were not necessarily "fun," but they were times spent with a good friend. Tomorrow is the anniversary of his services, and I know the past couple days have been extremely difficult for me to handle alone. My significant other and I have briefly discussed this. She knew it would be on my mind and just told me to do whatever I needed, say whatever I had to say, if it made me feel better. After one year, I have learned that I still cannot put my finger on how I feel. It is excruciatingly difficult to decipher the man I knew who helped shape me into who I am from the man who I feel took the coward way out.

Now, staring your own death in the face is certainly one of the scariest things I could imagine. It is the great unknown you are about to willingly enter. It is the end to all the problems that may have plagued you the past year, or all your life. What makes this cowardly, in my opinion, is the willingness to accept finality rather than self evaluation. It is so conflicting because I know most of my friends would have considered him brave. Which at the same time is probably who he was able to do what he did, knowing his next move was his last. I have been at this road before, but the only thing that stopped me was fear of the unknown. If I had done it, I would never know the joys that would come later in life, even if I had to suffer for 10 more years.

I woke up early this morning. My internal clock still stays in work week mode, but that's okay. The only problem is I remembered one year ago today I was ironing my darkest colored clothes to drive through the snow covered streets, into a snow covered parking lot, knowing I would see all my friends, knowing I may be a sobbing mess in front of my friends.

When I heard the news of what he did, I tried to cry. I had trouble. My son came out of the shower and had a few minutes before bed that I promised him we could spend playing with Legos. I literally said goodbye to my informant friend and got down on the floor fighting back the tears. As I talked about my friend with my girlfriend, I couldn't even force tears if I wanted to. I was sad, relieved, angry, and sympathetic all at once.

I would be a liar if I say I haven't had these same thoughts over the past year. I picture him, every single day, laying in his casket. I picture crying over his body as I stood up there alone. I remember the conversations with some of my friends who I hadn't seen in a while confess their problems to me. I picture them sometimes in that casket, and regardless of how often I may have seen them since, it saddens me greatly and I fear seeing them there that one time.

I don't know how most of my other friends feel at this point. I know his ex wife and son will feel the impact forever. I think I may feel it forever as well, though I hope one day it doesn't consume every free second of thought in my day.

I have been fortunate to have a lot of joy in my life the past five years. Anything else negative that has come my way is just a slice of life that we all must deal with but never have to be defeated by. I have seen people get cancer and fight through it. I have lost other things in my life that hurt, and I have not been able to enjoy financial freedom for nearly a decade - but I have been able to find joy in my life. Most of that stems from me just learning how to pull myself back off a bridge, without needing anybody else to do so for me. Living for myself and being my best self, especially this past year and beyond, will keep me afloat, whether I have the largest family or none, a car or just a crummy pair of shoes, a house or just the clothes on my back. I have been in those situations. I got through them, whether they came when I was younger or older. I can only recall the things I learned from those episodes to not let something like my friend's suicide take me down.

But it does. It's the most confusing things in the world. Just when I get a great memory, it is replaced with anger. Just when I start feeling sad and like I can release the flood from my eyes at any moment, I get mad. When I think about bringing him up and his suicide to my friends, it rocks me and I fear that I may never be able to get off the topic.

I have tried very hard for the past year, to push him to the back of my mind. I started this blog to help me heal. I realize now that it is a loss that I will never replace. This isn't a divorce that I chose to never see somebody again. This wasn't deciding not to be friends with somebody else anymore. This was about his choice. I do feel sometimes that he felt I wasn't good enough to stick around and be friends with for the rest of our lives, but then I recall he was a son, a husband, a father - and now he is a memory. A memory that in order for me to hold on to the good, requires me to hold on to the bad. I will never take the last year I knew him to be who he is. It was just who he was. I wish his son could see the man he truly was, and why he was worth crying over.

My dearest friend, I miss you. I cherished our memories, and I will never forget you. In every way possible. Thanks for reading.

Too Long Since You've Been Gone, Too Little To Write...

That feels like a horrible thing to say (the title, I mean). I had been able to control my emotions of losing you for a while now. Unfortunately, the ugly face of your leaving us has crept back into my mind. It weighs on me. It is not necessarily the "what could I have done differently" but rather the what ifs? Not even the "what if I did this for him? What if I did that?" No. It's the what if I was just able to pick up the phone and call him. Just to be able to call him up, share a story, share a laugh. I've been able to share many laughs with others, just not you.

I really don't know what more I could have written about you in the months since you passed and then since I last wrote. I was going through a struggle. I needed a source of strength for a minute to bounce how I was feeling off. Sure I have my significant other who is the most wonderful person I know. But there is something missing when a friend you've known forever can just listen to your thoughts. Unfortunately that friend ended the "forever" in the friends forever mantra.

One of the last times I saw my friend was at a football game. I knew of his straits then, and decided he could use an escape from reality and get lost with me at the game. It wasn't quite the case. I heard every single emotion that came from him that night, why he felt what he had felt. Why he didn't feel good enough. Why he felt better than he should. Very confusing. But I had been there before. Only the roles were reversed. I kept trying and trying to reiterate how, much like the simple song would suggest, you don't always get what you want but you will get what you need. Your exit wasn't what you needed. Perhaps he wasn't able to ever realize or never gave himself the chance to see that what he wanted maybe wasn't the best thing for him? I used to want some things that, when they didn't work out, almost took my life as a last straw.

He kept apologizing for monopolizing the conversation, but I listened to every word he said. It got to a point where I started to fear he may do something stupid. I feared for the thought of, "What's he going to do on the way home? Why did I let him get like this??"

That was the last time I saw my friend alive. I think long and hard about that night. This year, I went to a football game for the first time since. I felt it. I felt your impact from that night. That's when it dawned on me that was the last time I saw you. My heart was heavy, and I was suffering inside throughout. When I thought about how I wish I could call you to discuss this, it dawned on me again I didn't have that privilege anymore. I instantly had the picture of you from your service. You often hear people say, when somebody has passed who was suffering, "Well, at least he/she is in a happier place." I will call bull on that statement. There was nothing peaceful about his facial expression or his body language. I know it wasn't his to control, but what I saw was not my friend. I know his life is at peace now while the others he left behind are still picking up pieces.

Every day it makes me realize that a little piece of me is still missing. I know your leaving affected others even deeper and will have life-long impacts. I never thought that of you. Never thought you would knowingly put people through this for the rest of their life. I do understand you thought it would resolve all the other problems for everybody you thought you were a problem to. It is the most twisted of logic, but I understand it. I have been there with that rationale as well. I realize how wrong it was, and nothing will ever make me that way again. I just wish you could find the joy that comes in life after having overcome yourself. The worst part of yourself is unfortunately what people last saw you.

I hate this. I wanted to start sharing some good, positive thoughts on this issue in my life, but alas by the time I had gone to the website, opened up this blog, clicked on new post, I had started twisting everything around again.

I read many times this is typical of a survivor of suicide. It isn't a topic you get to put a stop to on your own. The thoughts of it end when my life ends. It's more like I'm enduring your suicide. I will endure it the rest of my life, and hopefully have to endure it for another 100 more years of my life.

Even after it has ended, your life still means as much to me today as it did a year ago, a decade ago, two decades ago and beyond.

Maybe this post helps me go on a couple more months without getting bogged down again. I feel like I can refocus on the mundane tasks when my mind normally wanders. I hope if you read this it doesn't open up any fresh wounds, but just rather as a topic you can relate to.