It has been over two years. I was hoping to get past thinking about my lost friend everyday. Not so. If anything it has been more powerful than it was in the months after he passed.
I have a step son who has become my own and since had the joy of watching my youngest son born. The joy I had Christmas eve rocking him to sleep for his nap, tears welling up in my eyes at the preciousness I was holding, my thoughts quickly went back to you - How and why the hell would you give this up??? I fell through a million emotional floors. Thankfully my baby boy in my arms was like the safety railing I could grab for support. If I lost everybody in my life I would still have to be here for my boy.
You have to know, I have fought this. I thought I was an adult. I was married early in life. I owned a house. Had a full time job. But I hated my job. I had rooms get destroyed beyond my control. My marriage fell apart for many reasons. All this though led to hating what I could see I the mirror. I had nitemares. Ones that would scare the strongest man or woman you know. It took me absolutely smashing into the rock at rock bottom. I actually smashed through it and discovered quicksand. When I was waist deep, I plunged my head under to make it pass quickly. The buoyant nature of the human body made my head pop up though and I was stuck just chin deep.
That's when I realized nothing would change. If I stayed under it would have been in vein. I was able to use my own brain - the one thing I had working against me most. The mind is indeed a terrible thing to waste. With negative thoughts or to silence thoughts. We have brains and a power of reasoning. The most important part of that power is to be able to reason on your own, with yourself. Some people just do it naturally. Others have to be told to. Yet others have to be told they can and that is a choice they have to consciously make.
I know people who have struggles with addiction. Addiction, like any other forms of mental illness, doesn't just get cured. Sure it can go dormant and repressed, but it's there. Even if you got a tattoo you hated removed, there is still some kind of scare. I never struggled with addiction. I did have a period of surgeries at the height of my losing war with depression. Drugs were at the ready with what felt like unlimited refills. The drugs were needed, but man did they help more with the emotional pain.
I can't speak to addiction though. It does seem to me like a slow suicide. Some have revelations about themselves that help them realize who they are and what they are really worth. I wish I could have seen years into the future that I one day I would meet a woman who didn't care where I came from but rather about how I was with her in my life. I wish I could have seen a child who I had to become best friends with first, and parent second. I wish I could have seen a baby that needed me as much as his older brother and mother.
I am fortunate now to count these blessings every day. If you think that's just mumbo jumbo it's not. I was only in my late 20s and thought I was way past my peak of life. I wish I knew it was still my rookie season.
Events of the world like the German airplane crash/murder/suicide spook me. What if I ever did the things I had thought? The potential injury to somebody else was never in my mind. The chain reaction of those who would have immediate impact never entered my mind. Also more importantly I was too scared to die. More scared of dying than being alive with what I was.
That's not a fear you can instill in somebody. I wish I could put that in some people. I wish I could teach others how to do that for their friends and loved ones.
If you know me in any way, and you have something you are dealing with, I won't ever force you into a conversation...but if you share yours I will share mine. I will let you know you aren't and never were alone.
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