That feels like a horrible thing to say (the title, I mean). I had been able to control my emotions of losing you for a while now. Unfortunately, the ugly face of your leaving us has crept back into my mind. It weighs on me. It is not necessarily the "what could I have done differently" but rather the what ifs? Not even the "what if I did this for him? What if I did that?" No. It's the what if I was just able to pick up the phone and call him. Just to be able to call him up, share a story, share a laugh. I've been able to share many laughs with others, just not you.
I really don't know what more I could have written about you in the months since you passed and then since I last wrote. I was going through a struggle. I needed a source of strength for a minute to bounce how I was feeling off. Sure I have my significant other who is the most wonderful person I know. But there is something missing when a friend you've known forever can just listen to your thoughts. Unfortunately that friend ended the "forever" in the friends forever mantra.
One of the last times I saw my friend was at a football game. I knew of his straits then, and decided he could use an escape from reality and get lost with me at the game. It wasn't quite the case. I heard every single emotion that came from him that night, why he felt what he had felt. Why he didn't feel good enough. Why he felt better than he should. Very confusing. But I had been there before. Only the roles were reversed. I kept trying and trying to reiterate how, much like the simple song would suggest, you don't always get what you want but you will get what you need. Your exit wasn't what you needed. Perhaps he wasn't able to ever realize or never gave himself the chance to see that what he wanted maybe wasn't the best thing for him? I used to want some things that, when they didn't work out, almost took my life as a last straw.
He kept apologizing for monopolizing the conversation, but I listened to every word he said. It got to a point where I started to fear he may do something stupid. I feared for the thought of, "What's he going to do on the way home? Why did I let him get like this??"
That was the last time I saw my friend alive. I think long and hard about that night. This year, I went to a football game for the first time since. I felt it. I felt your impact from that night. That's when it dawned on me that was the last time I saw you. My heart was heavy, and I was suffering inside throughout. When I thought about how I wish I could call you to discuss this, it dawned on me again I didn't have that privilege anymore. I instantly had the picture of you from your service. You often hear people say, when somebody has passed who was suffering, "Well, at least he/she is in a happier place." I will call bull on that statement. There was nothing peaceful about his facial expression or his body language. I know it wasn't his to control, but what I saw was not my friend. I know his life is at peace now while the others he left behind are still picking up pieces.
Every day it makes me realize that a little piece of me is still missing. I know your leaving affected others even deeper and will have life-long impacts. I never thought that of you. Never thought you would knowingly put people through this for the rest of their life. I do understand you thought it would resolve all the other problems for everybody you thought you were a problem to. It is the most twisted of logic, but I understand it. I have been there with that rationale as well. I realize how wrong it was, and nothing will ever make me that way again. I just wish you could find the joy that comes in life after having overcome yourself. The worst part of yourself is unfortunately what people last saw you.
I hate this. I wanted to start sharing some good, positive thoughts on this issue in my life, but alas by the time I had gone to the website, opened up this blog, clicked on new post, I had started twisting everything around again.
I read many times this is typical of a survivor of suicide. It isn't a topic you get to put a stop to on your own. The thoughts of it end when my life ends. It's more like I'm enduring your suicide. I will endure it the rest of my life, and hopefully have to endure it for another 100 more years of my life.
Even after it has ended, your life still means as much to me today as it did a year ago, a decade ago, two decades ago and beyond.
Maybe this post helps me go on a couple more months without getting bogged down again. I feel like I can refocus on the mundane tasks when my mind normally wanders. I hope if you read this it doesn't open up any fresh wounds, but just rather as a topic you can relate to.
